Just When You Thought...

It seems, sometimes, that every time I try to do something positive for myself, the world conspires against me to stop me achieving it! Let me give you an example.

A few years ago I was walking under some scaffolding alongside a building when a disabled person started walking towards me. I, trying to be a good Samaritan, did everything I could to get out of the way of this person, and let him by. I proceeded to walk on, only for my brand new, expensive jacket to snag on the scaffolding and tear from shoulder to waist! I hate it when you do something positive, and the world shits in your mouth!

Now I’m not moping, I have a wry smile writing this, I’m not depressed but check this lot out…

Four weeks ago I started studying for an online Masters Degree. In the first week my PC monitor went kaput and I had to fork out for a new one. Since then, my 500GB hard drive, which I’ve had for years with no problem, has also been on the blink.

One of my best friends back home died of cancer after a long illness. Not good.

I was told I have demo class (very stressful and time consuming) two weeks ago, right in the middle of my studying – normally you would get six weeks notice for a demo class.

My demo class was today, and this morning before setting off to work I opened an email from my sister to say my poor old mother has been hospitalised!

Now, world, why don’t you stop it! My mum doesn’t deserve to be ill, I didn’t need all the computer problems (why now??!!?), my friend didn’t deserve to die, and you should have told me about open class bloody months ago! (it went OK but I lost so much study time grrrrr).

Oh, and I have a cold.

Get well soon Mum. Love you.

Rest of the world? Kiss my arse until you can treat me better ;)

Things I Can’t Do

There are millions of things I can’t do. I can’t tightrope, juggle or skateboard. I tried skateboarding once. Hospital. I can’t play darts, snowboard or ski. I tried skiing once. Hospital. I could, and no doubt you also could, fill this page with things we cannot do.

Some things I can’t do, but believe I could do, if I had the time and patience, like play a musical instrument. I reckon I’m quite musical. I’ve always loved music, and dancing, I can whistle a tune, I can even sing a bit, but I’ve never had the patience and stick-to-it-ness to play an instrument.

And I’m not that bothered.

However, there’s one thing I wish I could do, but I can’t, and that’s draw. I can’t draw to save my life. I’m jealous of people who can knock up a funny face in a few seconds with a few lines. I long to be able to sit and draw, well, anything. When I draw something, it looks like a spastic did it on an etch-a-sketch whilst riding a bus over an assault course.

I think I’m quite a creative chap. I write, I’ve done a fair bit of design work, I have a degree in the arts, I’ve made ‘art’, not the traditional kind but art nonetheless. I’ve dabbled a wee bit in music, and drama too, so I do have a creative bent, but dammit I wish I could draw.

Now, no advice please, no suggesting I go to drawing class, or practice this-or-that, because I fucking know already. It’s not that I couldn’t improve, I know I could, but I’d only go from terrible to mediocre – in short, I still wouldn’t be able to draw. 

I believe that drawing is an inherited ability, like being funny, or musical, or a good at sports. Some people, no matter how much they practice, will always look like an ironing board on a dancefloor. Comedy is the same. I’ve tried a little comedy acting, and I worked with some very funny people (one of whom passed away this week – RIP DW), and their comic timing was, in my opinion, in-built. A gift. A talent. Comic acting relies on that innate timing that funny people have. We are all funny sometimes, but genuinely funny people are funnier more often. Georg Christoph Lichtenberg said

“Everyone is a genius at least once a year.  The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together.”

In my opinion comedy is the same – everyone is funny once a year, but… Incidentally, Lichtenberg was a German scientist.

So that’s it. I can’t draw, and I wish I could. I can however, spell. It’s my own personal theory, and I have no evidence other than personal experience to back this up, that you can either draw or spell. Are you good at spelling? Can you draw? Are you good at drawing? Can you spell? Bet you can’t do both well.

Now, go and check my entire oeuvre for errors, you pedant!