September 20, 2010


It’s Chuseok week here in Korea, and for those that don’t know, it’s similar to Thanksgiving in the USA, or Harvest Festival in the UK. It’s probably more akin to the USA version, as theirs is also a big deal. Harvest Festival in the UK is pretty much a non-event.

Chuseok however, is a big deal. It’s that big a deal that I’ve got the whole week off bar today, when I had to go in at 9am till 12pm, and got sent home at 10.30! It’s now 10.50 and I’m sitting at home penning this, with my feet up, metaphorically speaking, as I can’t type with my feet on the desk.

Korean families will all head home to their parents’ and grandparents’ homes this week, bearing gifts, which leads me gently onto another topic – Korean gifts.

I was once given four tubes of toothpaste as a gift, after attending a funeral. At the funeral everyone gives money, so I did. Everyone who gifted money was gifted back in return. That’s how it works. It’s the same at weddings, everyone gives money.

The toothpaste(s) would be a very unusual gift back home, and one would certainly be checking one’s breath, and teeth in the mirror, if given toothpaste! But it’s very normal here to give those types of things as gifts, i.e. small inexpensive toiletries, shampoo etc.

Another common gift is a drink. And I don’t mean a scotch on the rocks. I was once given a half finished can of coke! The thing is, being given a small drink here is a great honour. Until you realise this, you may feel a little bewildered when people show their gratitude by giving you the can of coke they’ve been drinking out of.

Anyway, Chuseok is great. Korean people are very nice and friendly, and this is their big chance to show their gratitude and love for each other, and they do. It’s all very nice, and everyone is very happy at Chuseok. It’s as big as Christmas in the UK – the roads will all be chock-a-block, and all the shops will be closed.

And I get a week off work.

September 13, 2010

Fat-Assed Westerners On The Subway In Korea

...are embarrassing. Westerners are ALWAYS the fattest people on the subway. Always! It's almost impossible to find an overweight Korean. They do exist, but by and large they eat healthily, and take exercise. I live out in the countryside,just outside Seoul, and every weekend the trains are packed with Koreans in hiking gear headed for the hills.

Our fat western counterparts, by comparison, are an embarrassment to me. There they are, standing at the subway station, stuffing doughnuts into their faces, acting like there's nothing untoward about them, while all the time their asses are the biggest thing around until the train arrives. I'm talking about women in this particular scenario as I'm not in the habit of assessing the size and shape of men's asses, but I'm not letting men off the hook either. There are also way too many fat western men giving the rest of us a bad reputation. And no, I am not going to use polite words here. F-A-T! FAT!!!! YOU. ARE. FAT. You are not big boned, a little overweight , carrying a few extra pounds, cuddly, a little of the big side, or any of that other nonsense. Just fat. Deal with it. And I mean deal with it, because if I see you, I will be telling you what an embarrassment you are. If you can't control what you eat, and take some exercise, then you lack self discipline, and are lazy. It's not a disease, it's laziness of both body and mind.

Eat less, exercise more, and stay indoors until this is completed.

Thank you.

ps. My good friend Stuart has pointed out there is a small percentage that do have some kind of metabolic problem. However, I feel too many use this as an excuse and most are just fat lazy bastards!

pps: please bear in mind that most of my posts are tongue-in-cheek! But not in your fat ass cheek.

September 12, 2010

YouTube Idiots

Go to any video of any old song in YouTube, and read the comments.

“They don’t make music like this any more!” (500 million thumbs up).

“Today’s music doesn’t compare to this” (48 million thumbs up).

“Better than that Justin Bieber shit they make today”. (471 billion thumbs up).

All so predictable, and also, it’s as if ABBA, or The Osmonds, or Take That were somehow better than, say, Justin Bieber. Same shit, different decade. Idiots.

Comedy Videos

It seems the in-thing to do is quote exactly what the comedian or actors-in-the-comedy-sketch just said, in the comments below? WHY?????????????

Comedian says “go f*ck a banana”, comments box says “go f*ck a banana”. Why? I heard him! Why repeat it? What’s wrong with ‘well done that was really funny’? Or something? (This is a real quote by the way, from quite possibly the comedian who amuses me the least – Lee Evans – a true “idiots’ comedian”).

Seriously, type in your favourite comedian’s name and read the idiot boxes below. IDIOTS!

September 11, 2010

This Koran Burning Sketch…

I’m kind of disappointed that they didn’t go ahead and do it. Why? Because if our news is to be believed, every time anything happens in the West, they are burning flags, effigies, and letting bombs off, left right and centre.

This Koran burning sketch had pretty every world leader speaking out about ‘tolerance’. How come no one speaks out about Islamic intolerance?

They have beheaded innocent journalists, killed endless thousands with suicide bombs, killed their own citizens for having affairs and treat women as second class citizens.

If the Koran had been burned, you could’ve guaranteed the flags and effigies would be burned in the street – I don’t ever see these same world leaders speaking out with such vehemence about this.

I am someone who thinks pretty much all of religion is a huge fucking farce. Catholicism is a joke, with all it’s kiddy-fiddling and cover-ups, Christianity, Judaism, Hunduism, whatever, they can’t all be right. “It’s our god!” “No it isn’t, it’s ours!” However, only one religion thinks it’s OK to go around bombing everyone and holding placards reading ‘kill the infidels’. Do the same world leaders speak out in such unison? No.

The ultra-right religious idiots of the USA are frankly a bunch of fucking morons. The thing is, those who represent Islam and go around holding such placards, and thinking all ‘infidels’ should be killed, are a bunch of fucking morons as well. Upshot? Ultra-religious = ultra-mentalist. They should give it and try this – Secular Humanism. You don't need a stupid fucking book from the dark ages to be a good person.

This is the 21st century. We don’t need to believe in cloud-fairies. We know the earth is round, we’ve been beyond the sky, “He’s” not there.

Take your stupid, intolerant religions from medieval times and stick them right up your stupid ultra-religious arses, the fucking lot of you.

September 09, 2010

Had Better Weeks

Firstly, in the middle if last week I sliced a small corner of my finger off, in front of the whole class while cutting up some blank paper to hand out for quiz. Cue a trip to the hospital and class being abandoned.

Then this week, half of my students must have all their hormones kick in at once, and have been behaving like stubborn, awkward, defiant, badly behaved little bastards. This was yesterday, and was very stressful.

Then today I was hoping for a nice easy day after yesterday, despite Thursday being my busiest day, and the day I have my naughtiest class, and the classroom computer decided to have a massive sulk and refuse to work at all. I had to get the technician in to reinstall EVERYTHING which meant the first three of five lessons had to be done with no equipment, and ad-libbed, as all my plans were all on said PC. And before any smart arse says 'why didn't you back things up?', I did, but what was I going to use them on? One small bonus, my last class ended up being cancelled due to all of this, and they are the naughty class. So it wasn't all bad.

My finger is still in bandages. And I'm going out tonight to get drunk. It's Thursday, I have school tomorrow, and I don't fucking care.


September 08, 2010

Questions I Hate To Be Asked - Numbers 1067, 1068 and 1069

 ... fan,56" ceiling fan M56004 | "What's your favourite band?" This question drives me mad. I don't like bands I like songs. A band can produce 1000 terrible songs and one good song, and I will, perhaps,  like that one good song. I also hate 'fandom'. I can't understand hero worship at all. I may like the lyrics of one songsmith, or the guitar playing of another, but I'm not gonna get their names tattooed on my arm. Or be a 'fan'. I hate 'fans'. Sheep-like moronic idiots. (This does not apply to sport, which demands a certain, and often regional, loyalty). So in short, don't ever ask me what my favourite band is, unless you enjoy being sworn at!


1068) "What's your favourite album?" Just f*차 off eh?! See above. I like songs not albums etc


1069) "Why didn't you eat your lunch?" My boss, who is in fact a very nice chap, has a habit of doing some occasionally awkward things e.g. asking me why I didn't eat all of my lunch? Why do you think? Either I was full, I didn't like some of it, or both. You figure it out fo f*차's sake. Anyone who knows me knows how I positively loathe explaining myself over trivial things that didn't need asking about in the first place. I only have so much energy, speech and thought-power per day, the same as you, don't make me waste mine answering dumb pointless questions. You saw which food I left, you can surmise that perhaps I didn't like that bit. Also, we go to the local City Hall every day for lunch. They are usually pretty good, but there's no choice per day, you get what's there, so it's not like he could influence things even if I hadn't liked part of it. In fact, every day I usually leave something that I don't like or recognize! So why ask? Waste of my time and energy. Don't do that!


I like my boss though; he's a nice chap. Generally.  


September 04, 2010

Things That Annoy Me Part 1067

Automatic Doors.

Why do we have automatic/electric doors? Was a simple door not good enough? OK, OK, you might be wondering what I have against automatic doors. Well, they break your stride. You have to wait that split second while it notices your approach and opens. In short, automatic doors slow you down.

The other day I was entering the bakery downstairs from my apartment – the automatic door was open, I entered, and it closed on me. It took an almighty shove for it to reopen. Cue anger. That’s another thing, if they are already open, they close when you approach. There is no need whatsoever for automatic doors. They are a pain in the neck (sometimes literally) and slow you down.