America I Love You

OK, I have been accused of USA bashing on this blog. And it’s true, sometimes I have done.

No country is without its problems and issues. I’m from the England, and whilst it may have a reputation for rolling green hillsides and country gentlemen, in the main that’s not England at all. Our inner cities are as bad as anywhere else; gun and knife crime is rising, our teenagers are little shits that only a right good hiding would remedy, drug crimes are a problem, and we have some of the worst rates for violence in Europe, if not the worst. (Can’t be bothered to look it up, you have Google, you go do it).

But I love the UK. I’m proud to be British.

There are many things I like that are American, so it’s time to balance the scales a little.

Firstly, I’ve been, retrospectively, a ‘60s and ‘ 70s Soul fan for a long time! And whilst (it’s fair to say) that that type of Soul is more popular in the UK than it the USA, the music itself 99.99% American. Pretty much all the music I listen to is American. So there’s one thing.

If you ask anyone their all-time top 10 movies, how many people would not have at least one American movie in there? I certainly would. Several in fact.

My favourite TV show has to be The Simpsons. Classic satire that still makes me laugh. And American. Curb Your Enthusiam? Brilliant. Family Guy? Awesome. South Park? Love it. The recent Breaking Bad? Fantastic. I love UK TV too, and our comedy has to be up there with best around, but the USA can certainly churn out some masterpieces too.

I have many American friends over here in Korea. They are nice people. They use some strange phrases! But they are nice people. They are friendly. Really. They are. Are they ‘dumb’ (stupid) as per the American stereotype? Nope. Really, they aren’t. And we have more than our fair share of low IQ in the UK.

Um, what else? I suppose that will do for now. If you look through my blog most anti-American things I’ve said are spelling/grammar/pronunciation related – and as a British English teacher teaching American English to foreigners I have a right, I think, to be bothered by this. It doesn’t mean I hate Americana, I certainly don’t.

Might even visit the place one day. I just hope the notoriously strict American airport security people haven’t read my previous blog entries.

CAPTCHAS

You might not know the word captcha, but if you're a regular internet user, you'll know what they are. They are those little pictures of text that you have to type in to prove you are human.

Their scientific name is 'reverse Turing test' - i.e. a computer asks a question to prove that that answerer is not a robot. Simple right? Makes sense? It stops computer hackers setting up auto-bots and sweeping the internet and downloading everything in sight.

Recently, I've noticed that some of these captchas are getting a little obscure. These below are real captchas that I've seen and saved. They are frankly ridiculous:


Come on! How am I supposed to enter this?



Japanese? Chinese? All the keyboards in the world have a Roman alphabet on them as well as the native language. So why have captchas in Japanese?


Just simply illegible.


Hahahahahahahahahaha!


Anyone who can type in that first symbol wins a cyber-coconut. What is it? A steering wheel?



tuTues esse.......................................eh?



WTF?



So I need a Russian and a Japanese keyboard?


Looks like someone squashed a bug.


Sorry, Russian, Japanese and Greek?


Apparently I need to type with a scientific calculator.




Just fack off.




Really?




"Honey, will you get my upside-down keyboard please?"


All of the above are real captchas I downloaded in half an hour. Incidentally, most captchas have a small 'reload' button next to them, so can can scroll through and see for yourself.

THREE ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO STOP SMOKING

I’m an occasional smoker, and am getting ready to quit again. The best ways to stop smoking are the tried and tested ones – pure undiluted will power, joining an NHS (Local Medical Centre) Anti-Smoking Programme, reading Allen Carr’s book, getting some patches or gum, or having the doctor tell you you’re gonna drop dead in six weeks if you don’t quit. All of these methods have a proven track-record.

But what if you wanna stop, right, but…..you know. What if you’re a rebel? What if you’re a bit ‘funky’?

Alternative Methods Of Beating Nicotine Addiction.

Let’s not beat about the tobacco bush here – smoking is nicotine addiction. You DO NOT do it because it tastes nice, because you find it relieves stress or for any other reason. You do it because you are addicted. To nicotine. The only stress you are relieving is the stress of your inner self saying ‘where’s my nicotine hit you bastard? I will cwy and cwy and cwy unless you feed me now.’

Beating it is a bitch. I’ve smoked on and off for years (more off), and have had several successful stops. When I say successful, I mean I lasted at least a year, not just a couple of weeks etc. You may be wondering at this point why I haven’t stayed permanently stopped? Well, being around other smokers and so on….just the usual stuff. But I’ve used many methods of stopping, some recommended, and some not. Here’s three I’ve tried, which really work.

METHOD 1 – REPLACEMENT STRATEGIES

This is a method I’ve employed to varying degrees. In essence, what this means is that when stopping, and especially during those crucial first few days, deny yourself NOTHING except nicotine. Wanna cake? Have one. Want two cakes? Have three. Want cake, orgasm and whisky simultaneously? Off you go, so to speak. In short, deny yourself nothing pleasurable whatsoever, until the nicotine pangs go away. Three Cadbury’s Flakes and a milkshake might not replace the urges for a ciggie, but they won’t half cheer you up while you’re waiting.

Obviously this has after effects, and shouldn’t be done for longer than a week or two, especially if you put on weight easily, but worth it if you beat smoking.

METHOD 2 – DENIAL STRATEGIES

This is simply a reversal of Method 1. STOP EVERYTHING. Sex/masturbation. Chocolate. Desserts. Caffeine. Alcohol. Everything bad. FOR ONE WEEK. Then, give yourself one thing back per day in the second week, or whatever you feel like.

What works here is that your mind is taken off smoking during that first week because you haven’t had your caffeine/booze/orgasm that your body/mind likes. You are distracting your nicotine cravings with more subtle cravings for other things. This helps to put smoking in perspective with your other (real) desires, and also, actually, stops some situations where you are likely to want to smoke – eg, with booze, after tea and coffee or after sex. Genius. Live like a monk for a week. Worth doing in itself. This works. I’ve tried it.

It’s a great exercise in self-control – and you’ll be proud of yourself for achieving it.

It’s also a lot cheaper than method one, unless you own a corner shop.

METHOD 3 – SMOKE SOMETHING ELSE

You don’t hear about this one from the NHS, for obvious reasons. But it works. Also please note, that this is only achievable in countries where certain things are either legal, or is highly available and not-that-illegal. If you live in Korea, only some of this below is relevant. Read on…

If, like many, you have partaken in the occasional ‘illegal’ cigarette – you know, a spliff, well, it’s possible to make joints without tobacco – or even better, make a bong, or buy a small pipe, available cheaply from most good head shops, and just smoke the weed, sans-tobacco. This really helps and works if you are a pot smoker wanting to give up tobacco. You might find yourself stoned a lot during those first few days though, as the points in the day where you might have just had a ciggie, e.g. first thing in the morning, you find yourself getting the bong out. Make no mistake, nicotine cravings are a bitch to handle.

Also, you can try herbal cigarettes if marijuana is not your thing. Again, especially for those first crucial three or four days, having something to smoke that contains no nicotine can be extremely helpful in relieving those nicotine cravings.

You can also make joints with these in place of tobacco if needs be.

Both marijuana and herbal cigarettes are non-addictive, although if you’ve never smoked pot, I wouldn’t recommend that to start with. Get some herbal fags.

The point here is that smoking SOMETHING ELSE, something non-addictive, during that first week, can really help you. I’ve tried this (though I’m not saying whether I tried herbal ciggies or pot!) and it really works, by helping you when you really REALLY wanna smoke….something.

The three methods above all work, as do the traditional ones mentioned at the top of the article.

I’m about to stop again. I’m not sure which method I’ll pick. I’ll write about it afterwards.

Smoking is evil. It’s an addiction. Almost everyone I know who smokes wants to stop. Why don’t they? Coz it’s fucking hard that’s why, so give them a break and show them this article, and if you’re his/her lover, you better hope he doesn’t pick method one.

If You Enjoy These Songs, There Is No Hope For You

Every mother-funking time I go into a so-called dance club, or a bar that’s playing dance music I hear these three shit fucking songs over and over and fucking over. And to be fair to Korea, none of them are Korean.

Before going further, I am aware that posting them on here gives them yet more undeserved air time due to my millions (dozens, if that) readers.

However, I must say, if you have debased yourself by enjoying any of these songs in a club or bar, or you don’t hate them with a passion, well, simply, eat my turds. These three songs are the worst, shittiest, lowest-common-denominator stupid-assed bullshit retard songs I’ve ever heard passed off as ‘credible’ dance music in my entire life. And if that wasn’t bad enough, they are lapped up by us westerners in bars over and over and goddam fucking over again.

It’s not like there aren’t thousands of classics in the dance music genre to choose from. There are! Just take techno and house for example – anyone with a smattering of knowledge could name dozens of credible, acceptable, beautiful dance tracks. Also, every week hundreds of no-doubt-superior cheezy dance tracks are released. Why do we have to listen to the same shitty three? And like I said, if the songs weren’t bad enough, hearing the fuckers over and over again everywhere, for months on end, is a fucking insult to all but the entirely uncultured.

I know Korea has good clubs and bars – it does – I love it here, but I swear, any bar that thinks these three tracks are good, seemingly most of the ones I end up in or walk by, needs to take a time-out and check out some proper dance music. There is much, much better stuff out there, stuff that’s not embarrassing. Find it.

Lastly, if you’re a DJ playing any of these tracks. Just shoot yourself.

A Powerpoint and General Graphics Issue That Is Very Easily Avoided

I’m just back from a three-day training course with my job. The course material and presentation had way too much of a corporate feel to it for my liking. Big lecture halls, getting everyone to shout “woohooooo!” etc to get them ‘motivated’, and some really, really badly designed PowerPoint presentations.

Before I go any further, I must emphasise that the course itself wasn’t too bad. The speakers knew their stuff, and the ladies running it worked extra hard, and they are great and friendly people, but I’m here to rant, and rant I will.

Secondly, I’m talking about design here, the overall ‘look and feel’ of these PPT presentations, not the content. Those giving the lectures certainly knew what they were talking about, it just, sometimes, looked like shit on-screen. I won’t mention one lecturer who was so scruffy that it actually irked me. Buy some shoe polish and a fucking iron.

Right everyone, stop doing this. I mean it. Stop. Right now.
What in the name of fuck are you doing? This is not a fucking hall of mirrors. Keep things in their original proportions and ratios! The coins and faces mistake were both on PPTs I saw at this course. Don’t do this!! I mean holy fuck, we’re not all artists, but you don’t have to make everyone look like they’ve had their head in a vice. A circle is a circle is a circle. Why is yours egg-shaped? Why? Why can’t you see it? If you think no one notices, you are wrong! One of the lecturers spent a good hour talking about body language, that is - non-verbal communication, yet his non-verbal communication (the look and feel of the PPT) stunk! It’s easily avoided – in PPT just drag THE FUCKING CORNERS ONLY not the middle-of-the-edge of the images. If you need to change the proportion/ratio – crop the image first. That is, if it’s too wide, chop a bit off rather than just dragging it in. There’s a crop tool in PPT – its icon looks like this.

Jeezo! Don’t do this. If I see you doing this on any handout, worksheet, PPT or anything else I will send you dog poop in the post. In an oddly proportioned box. See how you like it.

Colours (Fuck the American Spelling).

One lady lecturer decided that the headers/titles in each of her slides should, for some reason be a) the same size as the rest (itself not a crime) and b) of a more faded tone compared to the body text. Something like this…

I mean come on. The point of a fucking header is that, well, it’s a fucking header. The thing that shouts loudest and the thing you read first. A lead-in. Not much fucking use if I only notice it after I’ve read the thing my eye is drawn to first is it? Your headline should be at least as big as the body text, or bigger, it should of course be at the top, and it should NOT be in a less ‘bold’ or obvious colour/tone than the body text.

Another thing, though this wasn’t something I noticed at the training course, as this is more of a tip for teachers of kids, not adults. Add some fucking pictures to your slides (without squashing them for fuck’s sake). Kids love looking at boring slide-after-slide of text don’t they? No of course they fucking don’t. Pictures also look a lot more professional with borders on, so add some fucking borders, it ain’t hard. If you don’t know how – go figure it out, that’s what fucking Google is for.

And while I’m talking about pictures don’t use these (pixelated) or these (watermarked). Why? Because you’ll look like a c*nt. Get a nice clean picture without watermarks or pixelisation, that is a decent size, big enough to resize without becoming pixelated, and slap a border on it. It’s not hard. In fact it’s very easy for anyone with an IQ above 12. Incidentally – the use of clip art. Some hate it (professional designers especially) but for us teachers, its cartoony quality can be pretty useful.

Also, pick interesting fonts. There is more to life than Times New Roman and Arial. I use this website http://1001freefonts.com. If you’re doing a presentation about, say, computers, use a techno font. Shakespeare? Use an Olde English font. Use your fucking imagination anyway. Also, the variation of typefaces might just challenge the kids’ reading a little. Don’t know how to install a font? Google.

Body language is important in communication. Design is equally important in presentation. There’s no excuse for making the obvious-as-a-turd-on-your-face mistakes above.

You may never win designer of the year, I know I wouldn’t, but if you eradicate/use the above, you’ll at least look like less of a twat by reaching the VERY BASIC STANDARD of design. Who knows, maybe you will start looking professional? OK, I doubt that, but give it a try. And iron them fucking trousers.

NB: The above is not directed at anyone in particular. The course I went on was actually pretty good, Powerpoints aside...

How Come? Social Norms That Baffle Me

How come…if you read the newspaper before you go to work in the morning, you will be considered enlightened, well-read, up-to-date and well-informed, but if you spend half an hour reading the internet in the morning you will be considered weird?

How come if you walk down the street whistling, you'll be considered a happy-go-lucky type with not a care in the world, but if you walk down the street humming, or even worse, singing, everyone would think you've just escaped from somewhere?

I'm sure I have some more of these. But my ageing memory has put a stop to them being reproduced here. More soon…

The Problem with Banning Corporal Punishment.

Corporal Punishment, 'CP' in the rest of this article, has just been outlawed in Korea –well a few months ago – this is not today's news. I'm old enough to remember CP at school back in England, and have also seen it first hand, both at school, and out here in Asia. I've also taught in both environments, where CP is both banned and used. Here's my take on why banning it is a bad thing.

Firstly, let me say that banning altogether has some plusses. No doubt there are teachers who take it too far, but in my experience these are extremely isolated incidents. Really, they are. Has anyone ever seen, or heard, of anyone, not via the media, that was severely beaten by a teacher? I haven't.

 

Secondly, let me say that personally, I'm not in favour of hitting kids. I don't have any myself, but if I did I doubt I'd hit them. My parents never hit me – though I was CP'd many times at school. Even when it was legal here I didn't CP anyone.

But the problem with actually BANNING it is that once you do this, you essentially hand over the leadership of the school to the pupils therein. NOT because you now have no means to discipline them, but because they know that they have the law on THEIR side. A pupil could, if he or she took a dislike to you, report you for a friendly tap on the shoulder or pat on the head. And they will. This adds massive pressure to the job of teaching, so now of course you have a policy of no physical contact whatsoever. (And let's be adult here, I am not talking, suggesting, implying or inferring sexuality in any of this.)

When I first started teaching in Korea, I literally never touched the kids, having taught in England previously, that was the norm, but I was eventually pretty-much ordered to! I was at first considered a 'cold' teacher. This was elementary school, and it was/is very normal here to, say, put your arm round a kid's shoulder when you're talking to them etc. It's not so normal back in the UK, and actually I feel a bit weird typing this what with the west's/our predilection with calling everyone a paedo at the drop of a hat. But the west's obsession with that is for another article. I digress…

In short, the pupils now know that they have the law, and therefore the power, on THEIR side. 99% of my pupils are well behaved and a healthy rapport is maintained. But, I'll tell you one thing – I jokingly, and smilingly, I shook my fist at a kid in a mock "why I oughta…!" kind of way recently. His response? "Teacher, if you do that again I will contact the police!" he meant it.  They know. They know the power has shifted. They know that they are the ones who can get you into trouble. It shifted in the UK, and it will shift here. I used to pat my kids on the back when they fell asleep. I daren't now. I have a drum and cymbal at home – I'm bringing that in – that should wake them up! However, I reiterate – the power has shifted now. Be warned.