An Interview with Hamish McDumpling, a Scot.
Interviewer: So Hamish, you're a Scotsman. Tell me about your views on the English national team.
Hamish: Ha-ha ye English basturts, yiz are fuckin' shyte so yiz are. Yiz are fucking shyte [geez ma beer hen cheerz] ENGLISH BASTURTS ARE SHYTE. Yiz think yiv got a god given right to belive yiz can win a game of futbaw, but ye huvnae, yiz are fucking shyte and ah hate yiz ye fucking English basturtz. Remember Braveheart ye English basturts, I'm supporting the Germans, you fucking horrible English cuntz so yiz are, English basturts.
(Interview interrupted by Hamish's wife who points out that the Hamish lost a grandfather and two uncles during the Second World War).
Hamish: Aye the fucking English basturts. It's their fault. Highland clearances you fucking English basturts.
[Interview interrupted again by Hamish's wife, who points out that they holiday in England every year, have several English relatives, work for an English company with a branch in Glasgow, and that their two best friends, Tony and Carla, are English. They also have an old English Sheepdog.]
Interviewer: How do you rate Scotland's chances under Craig Levein?
Hamish: English basturts!
Interviewer: How about the Old Firm? Is their dominance a problem in the Scottish game?
Hamish: English basturts!
Interviewer: Indeed. You sound very bitter Hamish.
Hamish: English basturts!
Interviewer: Is there anything that could be done to alleviate this schadenfreude you Scots embarrass yourself with every time England lose?
Hamish: English basturts!
Interviewer: Why haven't Scotland qualified for a major tournament since 1998?
Hamish (Now spitting his words through gritted teeth and red, enraged complexion): English basturts! Ah hate yiz ye fucken English basturtz.
Interviewer: Do you not think it might be healthier for you, and your country, to be less hate-filled and bigoted? Be more positive, as it were?
Hamish: Fuck off you English basturt.
Interviewer: But what about the Scottish game? It's at it's lowest ebb for decades?
Hamish: English basturts! Ah hate yiz ye fucken English basturtz.
Interviewer: Quite. Do you like yoghurt Hamish?
Hamish: English basturts.
Ad infintum…
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